Caregiver Support

Last Sunday, I stopped to visit my Mother in her memory care apartment.  When I knocked on her apartment door, she didn’t answer.  I thought she was napping, so let myself in.  She wasn’t there.  I decided she must be participating in a group activity and went to look for her.  I checked the 3rd floor dining room, living room, and activity room – no Mother.  I looked up and down the hallways – no Mother.  I could not find her.  I became slightly worried and wondered if she had fallen or wandered to another floor. 

I went to the Care Managers’ office and asked if they knew where my Mother might be.  I saw two of the Care Managers exchange small smiles.  I was told that they last saw her sitting in Tom’s room.  Tom???  “Who’s Tom?” I asked.   They explained that Tom was my Mother’s new “friend.”  They told me that my Mother and Tom had been sitting together at meals, spending time together, and generally looking out for one another.  

One of the Care Managers started to walk me to Tom’s room.  As we turned the corner, we saw my Mother coming towards us, heading back to her apartment.  She smiled and seemed glad to see me.  We walked together into her apartment.  As we settled in the living room for a chat, she looked at me and said “I have a boyfriend.”  She said it in an offhand way, yet there was a challenge in her tone and a sense of pride in her voice.  It was touching and cute.  But talk about role reversal!  So many questions ran through my head – the same ones my parents had asked when I made a similar pronouncement over the dinner table twenty five years ago.   “Who is this man?”, “What is he like?”, “Will he be nice to my Mother?”, “What are his children like?”, and “Will my Mother get hurt?”

On the surface, I was very happy.  In recent years, my Mother had often told my sister and me that she wanted a boyfriend.   My Father had died quite young, leaving my Mother a widow at 59.  Over the years I had encouraged her to date, to meet people.  Yet, she had always resisted and never pursued a relationship - until now at age 80!  If this friendship with Tom helped her feel more content and boosted her spirits – I was all for it.

But to be honest, it was unsettling too.    As is so often the case, her past and the present blurred together – making it difficult to know how to react.   Later in the day, my Mother talked about my Father, as if he was away on a business trip and was expected back at any moment.  The boyfriend was easily jettisoned, at least until dinner. 

I stayed for awhile that afternoon.  My Mother and I talked, watched the Olympics and looked at the snow falling softly to the ground.  As dinnertime approached, I gathered my things to leave and walked my Mother to the dining room.  She wished me a blithe goodbye and slowly made her way across the room to join her boyfriend for dinner.  He smiled as she approached and she looked happy too.   She made no attempt to introduce me – the moment was for them alone. 

I got in the elevator and left quietly, overcome with emotion and the beauty of God’s grace.