Sometimes, it is human nature to focus on what “is lost.”   The focus can be on tangible things such as a job, a sporting event, a favorite item or it can be on intangible things like a train of thought, youth or innocence.  When there is an Alzheimer’s diagnosis it becomes very easy to focus on what is lost, for example  when your parent forgets how to get dressed, how to use the phone and how to pay their bills.  Yet, focusing on what is lost isn’t helpful to anyone.  It causes extreme frustration for the senior and sadness within the family.  I’d like to suggest a new frame of reference for caregivers – to focus on things that are “still here” like a sense of humor, a smile returned and a love for movies and chocolate. 
Earlier this week I participated in an activity with my Mother and her fellow neighbors at a memory care unit.   The game was called Penny Ante and began with everyone receiving 25 pennies and a pot holding pennies in reserve.  Everyone took turns drawing cards from a deck and following the instructions.  For example –  “Take a penny from the pot if you have ever seen the Golden Gate Bridge” or “Give every player a penny if they have blue eyes. “ There was a lot of laughter as pennies were lost and gained.  To be honest there was some confusion too.  One player drew a card – “Take a penny if you have ever visited New York City,” but could not remember if she had been to NYC or not.  This is when my Mother shined.  For her response was “I bet you have, you should take a penny.” 

When it was my Mother’s turn, she had to give a penny to everyone wearing blue.  I happened to be the only one at the table wearing blue…which meant she had to give me a penny.  She hesitated for a minute or two and I teasingly reminded her she needed to give me a penny…thinking she had forgotten that part of the game.  She looked at me and said – “I know, I am looking for a shiny one for you.”  A few seconds later, she pushed  a shiny penny towards me, the best of the ones she had before her.   My eyes filled as I realized she wanted to give her daughter the best she had….just as she had always done. In that moment, her love shined through the memory loss, the dementia, the falls and the frailty, to remind me that the Mother I know is “still here” shining bright as a new penny.